It is almost a decade to our ‘friendship’ and I don’t like the way it is progressing. I don’t even like the thought of referring it as ‘friendship’. Ok! I say. It is very amiable to have a girl to talk with during your highs and lows. It makes you feel comforted and encourages a positive attitude towards perceiving the opposite sex. But really, after a time you feel more like getting yourself high than talking a minute with a girl. I have always wondered how it would feel when I eventually accept the fact that this ‘friendship’ has a little more to it.
Something natural, something instinctive.
Not infatuation, but feelings so strong that it would suffocate you slowly to death until you give an outlet to it. I considered the latter thought long after the former had left its mark. A mark so deep that cupid himself would have erred recognizing it. I always considered her ‘different’. One of a kind. There was a charisma in her looks, melody in her voice and a lovely demeanor. She is what a perfect girlfriend could be like. She was the one. But through the years, the sands of time had little in store for me. We drifted apart. Not like we were bound together before that. There was a pattern that I appreciated. We were in different sections. We exchanged a few greeting during lunch break or even made little talk. My friends teased me, so did hers. It was an unusual satisfaction. Years passed and we grew up like toads. In high school, we shared same class. Things were going pretty easy the first days. I was always a little nervous, a little fidgety while I talked to girls. Something which I couldn’t stop myself from once I was in front of her. It seemed like looking at her was no less than looking at an angel. She always had a smile playing across her lips. Either she was reading, playing, talking anything. And that made me go bonkers! The fact that I admired her was not enough a testament for proving my ‘condition’. It made me sad. I thought many times facing her and telling her straight that I ‘admired’ her. But the next moment, that thought was suppressed by the inherent ‘friendship security protocol’, which clearly states that-
‘Once you have befriended someone from your opposite sex, you are not supposed to let its dignity diminish by the crude and transient feelings of love and infatuation generated towards him/her.’
If you ever try to break this golden rule, then you are the sole bearer of the fore coming repercussions and your brain won’t be held responsible for not giving the desired output to a question meant for your heart.’
What will happen if I ask her? What will she reply? Would she make a ‘no’ face? Or would she do her ‘yes’ thing? There are a thousand questions that pop in your ungrateful mind at that time. But none of them weighs enough to come to terms with. And yet I think I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t let my feelings out.
Why? Because I think she has a better companion than me. And he is the best you can find.
Yeah Yeah! I hear you. You should always let your feelings out so they don’t haunt you. But what if you have come to love those feelings so much that you are afraid to let them take over you? You see the evident consequences and you back up. That is how we feel. That is how we reciprocate to our inner voice. Something we get adjusted to, something we compromise, and then move on. We remain off for a period. A period which could either be so long that it would give our parents a reason to worry or so short that it wouldn’t matter at all. After all we have spent enough years to recognize the similar patterns in our life events to categorize them accordingly so they are easy to be dealt with. But still, at times we wonder, we want the things to change, to become what we have dreamt of. It is often a feeling accompanied by the regret which causes it. So we carry on and live.